I'm still not really sure I have any idea how to be 'a Christian'.
I find it easier to draw close to God in times of pain and difficulty. I know this probably sounds weird. It's as if during the good times, life itself is enough to sustain me, but when things get tough I need to search for something more. I need more than life itself just to get me through the day. And I usually look to God.
There's a heavy burden in loss; as though a physical weight has been attached to your body. Every day requires additional effort to carry around all the extra weight. It's exhausting, physically demanding, and - at times - soul destroying.